Monthly Musing – August 2024 – All change
In September, my husband and I will join thousands of other parents around the country who wave off their youngest child to (in our case) university, but it could be anything that takes them away from home and into a life of their own.
It’s not a surprise, we’ve known that it’s been coming, but this change that will affect all our lives is not one entirely without some sadness. For my husband, it’s a reminder that his girls are not little girls any more, and for me it’s an end to what has been a way of life for over 26 years. No more children at home full time; no grumbling about crockery disappearing into bedrooms, or clothes aimed haphazardly at the washing basket (assuming they even make it into the bathroom), or the mess left in the kitchen after a midnight snack; no more chivvying about being on time for school, college or after-school clubs; no more reminders that I am turning into my own Mum with comments about, “what on earth are you listening to/watching?”.
My husband, who is a very clever man, teaches as part of his work that we don’t fear change, but we do fear loss, and I think that’s right. I’ve got a big list of things to do when not so small daughter leaves, deliberately planned to take up time and help me remember what I used to do with myself before we even had children. It’s not been easy, though. As excited as I am for not so small daughter’s new adventure, I still feel as if I am scrabbling to hold onto the last threads of a jumper that is being rapidly unravelled. This job, this Mum job, is the one that I’ve done for the longest time – there’s been no question of looking around for another one because I didn’t like the hours or the pay or the workload – and now I am leaving the job in this form whether I like it or not.
I say “in this form” because that’s what it is, isn’t it? I’m not going to stop being a Mum; big daughter didn’t vanish into a puff of dust when she went to university and not so small daughter won’t do that either. We’ve got plans to visit regularly, for her to come home (I already have a list of what she’d like me to bake to take back with her) and my husband and I are talking about what we will do together with the time that would previously have been filled with childcare (in early days) and Mum and Dad taxi service (more recently).
It feels like a loss when you look backwards and see what is not going to be the same anymore, but going forwards, it’s all gain. Yes, it will be different, but different can be better and if all we focus on is the sunset, then we might miss seeing the sunrise the next morning. I won’t pretend that I’m finding this easy, but I also don’t want this to be the new story of my life. I don’t want to miss out on being the Mum who shares in the futures our girls are going to shape for themselves, and I also don’t want to be the Christine who misses out on shaping her own future because she can’t let go of what has gone.
Sometimes, change which we have no control over can end up being the best sort of change, and I hope this is how it’s going to be for us too. Bring on the new adventure!
Christine, thank you for this. My children are secondary school age, and that still blows my mind, and I find it so helpful to read posts like yours which focus on the positives. Wishing you all the best for the next chapter!
It’s quite the thing when you realise that your little ones aren’t so little any more, isn’t it? I enjoyed my girls growing up as I enjoyed the way our conversations changed – but they were still in the house! This one is quite different but I am sure I’ll get used to this too 🙂 xx
It is a big adventure. For all of you.
My children are 20 years further on than yours but I can still clearly remember the day that each went to university and how strange the empty house felt.
Now I look back and see what wonderful lives they’ve had and are having and I enjoy hearing about everything they do. There are grandchildren now too and another chapter in my life story.
Here’s to a great adventure and future 🙏
Thank you for your lovely words, Lindsay. It’s good to know that it all works out … as rationally I know that it will do, but emotionally, I’m still caught up in not wanting things to change. I think the waiting for her to go is worse than when it will actually happen! xx
Good morning Christine from a very damp North Lincs – hopefully the soil in my garden will soften a bit with the rain so I can do some weeding later!
You’re right, when our children go off to University it is the next step in life’s’ adventure and we need to think positively about this next step, it is a ‘next step’ for us too in our parenting adventure, we never stop being parents so we have to adapt to the stages in life and I’m all too aware of the role reversals that head our way as we get older! We need to grasp opportunities that being home without children offer be it time for a coffee after shopping or a day out somewhere (without a ‘why are we going there’!) this gives us a story to recount to our children after they’ve told us their latest adventure and shows them we are managing without them. In our village there’s a group of us that have gone through these stages together from when the children were at primary school and hence we all retired around the same time so now meet to craft and chat and swop stories about what our offspring are up to and also what our grandchildren are up to, share experiences and ideas, ways to manage situations and support each other, it helps to know that others feel the same way you do and it’s ‘normal’. Take care, remember planning and pacing helps each day go more easily, good luck to your girls in their Uni adventures xx
Thank you so much for your thoughtful words, Liz, they have really helped. You are quite right about having a story to tell – not so small daughter is already worrying that I won’t cope very well without her in the house (which I am sure is not really related to having to start washing her own clothes and dishes 🙂 ), and I need to make sure that I let her know that I am OK. I will be OK – your advice to get out and talk to others is very good and I will make sure that I do more of that, and go to places without a reason as well! 🙂 xx
I’m sure you’ll cope, Christine but it’s not easy. I live in New Zealand, my daughter in Manchester and my son in Sydney. Three of us in three different countries. I miss them terribly, especially as my husband died 12 years ago and recently I had my beloved cat put to sleep. As they’re both professional musicians, they need to live overseas. Fortunately I love travelling and do get to see them often.
I’m glad that you do get to see your son and daughter often, Sandra. It must be hard for you with them being so far away, and I hope that when you are ready, you’ll be able to offer a home to another cat. I really appreciate your words, you are helping me to see that a new adventure isn’t so scary! xx
I am so glad you are being positive about this new era in your lives. A bit in between one friend who would have happily accompanied her children to Uni as she was so worried about them and another who had the decorators in within a week to transform the bedroom into a posh guest room. One of my closest friends who went through seeing the child off five times – remembers sitting down with her husband when number five went off to Uni and sharing a glass of wine in the evening for the first time since the first baby was born – they had always been worried about having to drive somewhere or collect someone later on etc etc. She cherishes that glass of wine to this day – five graduations, five weddings and thirteen grandchildren on.
My only son lives in Florida and is not far off retirement – he didn’t go to University but joined the army instead, my grandchild is in Boston – so I am used to long distance everything – thank goodness for the Intenet.
Here’s to looking positive and looking forward.
Big hugs – and love from me xx
Christine, a Mum’s role changes, as I’m sure you know. My youngest, now 31, got married last year. (The other two haven’t, as yet.) I have a new “role” coming up later this year. I know how you feel. My youngest finished uni, and worked locally for a year while his girlfriend, now wife, finished her course. Unfortunately I had been made redundant and when he moved in with his girlfriend, it felt like I lost both of them all over again. (Been together since they were 14, and she visited loads.)
I still feel adrift, but keep myself busy making socks, and other hand made items, for loved ones.
Maybe I’ll find my purpose again.
Thanks for sharing these thoughts, Christine. I’m dropping my elder child at university next weekend, and although I’ve got a (much) younger one still at home, this post still very much hit the spot for me.
You’re in the situation that we were when big daughter went to university. We were talking about it yesterday and I don’t remember it being anything like as hard as this feels, but big daughter went to uni in Manchester which is 20 minutes away and came home regularly so it didn’t really feel as if she had left home at all. I hope everything goes well for your “big one” next week xx
It sounds as if you have done successful parenting! Your daughters have been ready to launch into their adult lives and you have taught them how to do that by your example and your direct teaching (aka nagging!). You will enjoy Not So Small daughter coming home and talking to you in a more adult fashion and she will enjoy hearing about your new or re-kindled activities. It won’t stop you missing either of them, but now that my daughters are grown and gone we enjoy each other’s company differently. I expect you’ll still end up with loads of laundry to do when she comes home for the weekend though!!
Thank you. I am so grateful for these comments from people like you who have been where I am and know that what’s on the other side is not less than it is here. I think you could be right about the laundry, though 🙂 xx
My one and only child (daughter) started at university 100 miles away in August 2018. That was an adjustment for me and my husband. I had been working only part-time since she was 3 and doing all the mom things (classroom helper, chaperone, team mom, etc.). When all of that abruptly ended, I was caught off guard. I got a full-time job the following month. Our jobs took up most of our waking time on weekdays, but weekends were different to be sure without daughter at home. When my husband passed away in early 2021, that was a HUGE adjustment. Daughter graduated with her degree in May 2023 and moved 1100 miles away in June. I see her at the major holidays, but we text daily and call about once a week. This coming Friday I am flying to her, and we are going on a week’s road trip. It will be lovely to see her in person and share another adventure. The relationship with my adult daughter is still taking shape, but I will always be her mom.
I’ve been thinking about you this week, Jeanette. I remember your daughter going to univeristy across the country, and I remember when your husband passed away as well, and I was thinking that it must have been so much harder for you than it is for me – and here you are, reminding me that although life changes shape, it goes on and that the new shape can still be a wonderful thing. Thank you xx
I remember so clearly crying all the way home from Swansea to Bromley, Kent when my eldest daughter went to university. She still lives in Wales after meeting her husband.
Now it’s her daughter leaving home to go to university at Southampton and I’m feeling it all over again.
Thinking of you all.
Thank you xx Rationally, I know that it’s not an ending but a new beginning, but until that new beginning starts, it’s hard not to think about what you’re losing, isn’t it? I hope everything goes well for your granddaughter xx
I remember dropping off my “Baby” at Uni. I felt sad, proud, worried etc. We were driving towards her city of choice, when “American Idiot” By Green Day came on the car radio. Daughter, husband and I sang along loudly and badly! Through tears and giggles that song became my go to it-will-all-work-out special tune. Find your own and celebrate all that you and your family have achieved xxx P.S Set aside a whole day for her laundry when she comes home xxx
Oh yes, bringing the laundry home has been mentioned – and I’ve told her not to leave it for a whole term! 🤣 I love your story about the song, and I’m glad it all worked out too 🙂 xx
I live in Australia although I’m English by birth. My son went off to live in Japan about twenty years ago but I was banned from seeing him off at the airport because I always cried. It does get easier as time passes.
My daughter has had chronic fatigue syndrome for the last thirty years and had to come back home. This certainly isn’t the life I would have wished for her but gradually she’s starting to get better (at last!) and has retrained as a yoga teacher.
I miss my son terribly at times but I’m also very grateful that one of my children was able to go off into the world and enjoy life..
Your grieving is so real but as the saying goes “this too shall pass.” Xx
I’m so glad that your daughter is getting better (and all the best people have daughters who are yoga teachers 😉 ), and I guess that putting a brave spin on it, you can go to Japan for your holidays whenever you like, but it’s not easy to have the people we love move far away. Thank you for your lovely words xx
Pride yourself on a job well done. It’s your time now – embrace it. And believe you me- because you have been such a good Mum – they will always be on elastic when they need you. Tissues to the ready but enjoy your new phase. ( Just waiting for daughter to drop in 16 week old puppy for Granny day care having returned son’s dog yesterday after 4 days of same – I rest my case)
I love this, your comment has really made me smile! Thank you, I am looking forward to being able to spend time doing what I want to do (and I think that a fair bit of it will be knitting!), it’s just strange when life takes such a bold turn, isn’t it? Have a lovely day with the pup! 🙂 xx
Thank you for sharing your feelings with us so beautifully! My off-to-uni experience was a bit different from others because my mum and her husband lived abroad. So there was already quite some distance there, physically at least. But I’m very happy to say that since they moved back after retirement we see each other a lot and she’s DEFINITELY not done being my mum, hahahaha 🙂
I hope you enjoy all your new activities and have fun exploring all the parts of yourself that will blossom in this new season!
Ha ha, my Dad said that your kids never quite leave home (he was usually grumbling about the stuff I’d left in his garage at the time) and it sounds like it’s the case with your Mum too! I’m really glad you see more of her now! 🙂 xx
You’ll be surprised at how little time you have in a few months and will wonder how you used to fit more in. The universities aren’t so far that you can’t drive over for a visit. I became very familiar with the Manchester to Leeds train route.
Ah, like those retired people who wonder how they ever had time to work? 🙂 You’re right, it’s just under two hours on the train to Leeds for us and that’s a nice length of journey so we have lots of plans to visit! 🙂 xx
kids long gone. both are married. visits few and far between. everyone is so busy and it is so expensive to travel and pay for a hotel. we are in our mid 60’s now. we have 5 senior rescue pups to keep us company and out of money! we love them dearly. they fill our time and our hearts. miss the kids. love them always.
I think that our fur babies can easily make up for what we don’t spend on our children in what we spend on them! 🙂 xx
I tried to leave a comment before, but it wouldn’t let me post! hopefully more luck this time!
Christine, it’s a hard time for sure , although it’s years since mine left home. Your role certainly changes, but you are still Mum and still very much needed. My saving grace, as well as my husband, were my friends. You certainly have more time for yourself. Try doing something new, whatever that may be, to give you a sense of accomplishment and that this is a new beginning for you too.
I send you heartfelt good wishes and love xxx